


You've Been on My Mind

by endemictoearth



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: F/M, Telepathy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-04
Updated: 2013-08-04
Packaged: 2018-04-08 14:02:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4307841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/endemictoearth/pseuds/endemictoearth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finn is suddenly able to hear Rae's thoughts when she is near. He's not sure what to do with this information, until he hears some troubling thoughts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You've Been on My Mind

**Author's Note:**

> Based on a prompt from tyrannosaurusofsex at Tumblr: "I had a dream that all of a sudden Finn could hear Rae’s inner monologue. He was the only one and he kept it to himself until something happened. I can’t remember what it was! Maybe someone could write a fanfic?"
> 
> This idea sort of invaded my brain. I don’t know if it makes sense, and it’s sort of the opposite of my last fic in that I just blurted it out over a day and a half and didn’t really agonize as much over it. Half of the puzzle was how to format it.
> 
> Anyway. Enough rambling. Here’s this weird thing I wrote.

Finn bounces his knee under the table. _Fuck, I wish I just knew what she was thinking! Then I’d know … something. I could decide something, DO something, instead of just living in this weird limbo!_

Finn drags his gaze away from Rae and Archie talking between themselves at the other end of the table, slams his pint down in frustration, and takes a drag from his cigarette. Then, he leans back, crosses his arms and stares moodily into the middle distance. 

Rae stops listening to Archie talk about Saxon fortifications and glances over at Finn. He holds in a scoff, and then, like a radio tuning into a faint channel, he hears a muffled voice in his head.

**_He looks upset._   _I wonder what happened. I wish I knew what he was thinking!_  **Rae glances back at Archie for a second.  ** _Oh my god, shut up, Archie. I don’t fucking CARE about battlements or buttresses or whatever. Get a boyfriend so I don’t have to listen to this shite._**

Finn sits straight up and presses his hands against the table as if trying to steady himself. He shakes his head, seemingly at nothing.

_Wait, what the fuck? Did I just imagine that?_  He glances sharply at Rae, trying to catch her eye. 

Her eyes meet his briefly before looking away.  ** _Why’s he staring at me? Do I have something on my face?_**  She leans forward on her elbow, casually cupping her cheek to check.  ** _Just my luck, I’ve probably been walking around with jam on my face since breakfast. Maybe Kester’s right, I should look in the mirror more often._**

Finn grins at first, but then his face clouds over.  _Who the fuck is Kester?_  his brain blurts out. He downs the rest of his pint and stands up quickly, rocking back on his heels for a second.

Rae focuses her gaze on him again. **_Bloody hell, is he okay?_  **“Y'alright, Finn?” she asks.

“I, uh, I don’t know. Yeah, prob'ly.” Finn looks at her, confused. He heads over to the bar, sneaking a glance at her over his shoulder. From the quizzical look on the barman’s face, Finn can tell he’s thinking something about him, and cocks his head to the side, trying to hear his thoughts. 

Nothing. 

Looking back at Rae, she gives him a sheepish half-smile. There seems to be a faint whisper in his head, but he can’t make it out. He can feel himself making a face as he tries to tune into whatever frequency she was just on.

“Mate.”

“MATE!”

The barman is shouting at him. 

“D'ya want another pint or not?”

Finn turns to face him. “Uh, yeah. Jus’ one, though.”

“I think that’s wise, mate. Ya seem like maybe ya’ve had one too many already.” He hands him his drink and Finn walks it slowly and carefully back to the table. 

This time, he sits closer to Rae, his arm brushing against hers as he gets situated. Her head whips over to look at him when he does.

**_Why is he sitting this close? I wish he wouldn’t act so casual all the time, it makes me crazy._** Finn lowers his head, feeling oddly rejected, and starts to move away a bit, when he hears,  ** _I mean, why does he have to be so perfect?_  **loud and clear, no static at all.

**_It’s not fucking fair. I almost wish I’d never met him, because then I might have a chance of being satisfied with a mere mortal. Someone who might actually like me back._** She tucks a lock of hair behind her ear, nodding appropriately at a pause in Archie’s historical diatribe.

Finn freezes.  _No. I’m imagining this. I’m imagining her imagination. I really have had too much to drink._  He pushes the pint he just bought away from him. Suddenly, he doesn’t know what to do.  _If I really am hearing her thoughts … it’s such an invasion. But I’m not trying to! It’s not like I read her diary!_  He squirms in his seat, thoroughly uncomfortable now. 

Archie stands up. “I’m headin’ to the loo.” Rae watches him go.  ** _Oh great. Where is everyone else? I’m going to say something twattish; I just know it … but I can’t not say anything! Is there anyone on earth worse at interacting with people than me? I’m such a freak._**

“You’re not–” Finn stops himself. She wasn’t talking out loud. Shit. Bugger.

Rae looks at him, spooked. “I’m not what?” There’s a defensive edge to her voice.  ** _What was that? It’s like he was responding to what I just … no. That’s crazy. Even crazier than what got me put away_** _._

Finn frowns, not sure what to make of what he’s “hearing.” He tries to cover his outburst. “You’re not … goin’, are ya? We’ve barely got a chance to chat, what wi’ Archie runnin’ his mouth.” He chuckles nervously, hoping it worked.

“Oh! Um, no. I wasn’t plannin’ on leavin’ so soon. I was jus’ wond'rin’ where everyone else has got to, though.” She smiles.  ** _Because I’m sure you’re actually less than thrilled to be sat here chatting to me, alone. Safety in numbers. Even if Chloe gets on my tits, she’s a distraction. And Izzy’s always here … I wonder what’s up?_**

Finn decides to take a chance and believe the voice in his head is actually Rae’s conscience. Maybe he can even try to tell her how he feels. “Yeah, funny that. Though, this is good, too. We don’t often get a chance to talk, you and me.”

“What would we talk about?” Rae asks abruptly.  ** _The fact that I’m a crazy weirdo loser with a pointless crush on you? Or that I used to–_  **As if something jostled the dial, Finn’s head fills with static. He doesn’t hear what she used to do. 

“Well, though it pains me to admit it, you’re the only other person here who has decent taste in tunes,” Finn says eventually. “Archie knows his music, but he’s always tryna compare lyrics to Greek poetry or summat.”

Rae laughs, “Oh, yeah. Like that thing last week. Bringin’ up Sophocles or whatever and sayin’ you could see what, like, parallels to Morrissey? Total bollocks.”

Finn grins at her. “Complete and utter,” he agrees. How could she think he didn’t like her? She was so clever and funny and … great.

Just then, Chloe comes into the pub, giving Rae a sly smile as she slides into the bench on Finn’s other side. “Hiya!” she chirps. “What’s up?”

Rae and Finn share a sulky silence for a moment, shaking their heads to indicate that nothing is up. They glance at one another, and Finn hears,  ** _Typical. The one time I don’t sound like a dribbling idiot, she shows up. I don’t stand a chance while Princess Chloe’s around, do I? Maybe I should just go._**

**_No!_  **Finn thinks, clearing his throat loudly so he doesn’t say it. “I think I saw ‘em changin’ the CDs in the jukebox earlier. Rae, wanna check it out wi’ me?”

Rae’s forehead ripples slightly as she assumes a look of confusion.  ** _Didn’t he get here the same time as me? How’d he see …? Whatever._**  Her thought trails off as she shrugs her shoulders. “Yeah, maybe they’ve finally got summat decent on there." 

Chloe starts to stand up when Finn says, "Nah, yer alrigh’. We’ll bring ya back a drink in a minute.”

Now it’s Chloe’s turn to look confused. Finn says a silent thanks that he can’t hear her thoughts, as well, but he can take a educated guess as to what’s on her mind.

As they walk the ten steps over to the jukebox, Finn doesn’t know whether he should hope to hear more of Rae’s thoughts or hope that it was some sort of glitch in his brain.

He fumbles pulling a few coins out of his pocket and a few 20ps are scattered on the floor. He leans down to pick them up and as he does, he hears,  ** _Fucking hell, I’d bite into that arse like a violent dog if I could._**  Finn bolts upright, like the coin he just picked up was electrified. 

“Y'alright there, Finn?” Rae asks, looking concerned.

He nods too vigorously. “Y-yeah. No problem.” Out of the corner of his eye he sees her looking at the selections, thinking,  ** _Practically nothing but boy bands and crap reggae. This all looks the same to me; what was Finn on about?_**

“Did ya say somethin’? Earlier, when I dropped the coins?” Finn ventures tentatively. 

Rae freezes for a split second before shaking her head.  ** _Bloody hell, I didn’t say that out loud, did I? No, there’s no way. I’d have to fling myself off an overpass if I thought that._  **“No, I didn’t say anythin’." 

"Sorry, thought I heard somethin’.” Finn hands her a 20p. “Find anythin’ worth playin’?" 

All of a sudden, he can hear music, a guitar riff, but it’s not coming from the jukebox. It’s faint and a little distorted.  _Oh_ , he realizes.  _It’s coming from her head._

"Well, there aren’t any new tunes on here, don’t know where ya got that idea,” she turns to take the coin. “But, they’ve still got The Beastie Boys, so the world hasn’t gone mad.”  ** _Like me_** , is Rae’s rejoinder to herself that Finn can still somehow hear. 

She plugs the 20p into the slot and drops the big guns once again. 

* * * 

Finn sits on his bed, thinking over the last couple of days. He’s learned a lot about Rae, nothing that makes him like her any less, but he’s heard some things that have puzzled and worried him, too. He avoided coming to the pub the day after he discovered his ability, but Chop came over to his house to make sure he would be at the pub, saying something about how he wanted to keep a good balance at the table, and Archie wouldn’t be there. 

So, he goes, and sits on the other end of the table at first, hoping he won’t hear anything, but soon enough, her voice crackles on in his head. He tries to ignore it, but the fact that he can just barely make out her thoughts is more annoying than if they were blaring in his brain. So, after he gets up to fetch another pint, he settles down next to Rae, and hears her more clearly. 

He’s always thought of her as this ballsy girl, full of sass, and she is that, too. But, her thoughts reveal to Finn just how fragile she is, or thinks she is, and how insecure she is about almost everything. He thinks she’s amazing, but it’s clear that Rae does not hold the same high opinion of herself. 

It isn’t until the next day, today, that Finn gets really worried about Rae.

He spots her in the park, walking alone, and decides to sneak up and surprise her. He thinks this will be a great opportunity to maybe tell her some of the things he’s been thinking about, even the score a bit. It still freaks him out that he can hear her thoughts, but the static comes now and again, and he tells himself that he doesn’t know everything about her.

His attempts at stealth are laughable, but she seems distracted and doesn’t notice him. As he gets closer, her voice comes in clearer.  ** _Tix was wrong about me. I can’t, I don’t know if I can make it out here. There are too many times when I can’t cope. Kester keeps getting on at me about the night I was taken in, why did I do it? I don’t know how many times I can say sometimes there is no why, I just went crazy. But maybe he’s right. Maybe there’s some terrible thing I’ve pushed down so far inside me that has kept growing and growing since I did it. What if it takes me over completely? I don’t want to believe that. I just want to be normal._**

Finn’s been slipping along behind her unnoticed for a minute, but takes this opportunity to announce himself, hoping to break the train of bad thoughts Rae has just boarded. 

“Hey, there, Rae!” he calls out.

She turns around, surprised, but her face is still glum. “Oh, hey, Finn. Fancy seein’ you here.”

“Yeah,” Finn laughs uncomfortably. “Jus’ out for a walk. Keepin’ it busy. Or whatever.”

**_How on earth could someone as fit and lovely as him ever want to be with me?_**  The words sting Finn’s brain.  ** _There’s no way out. I’ll always be the same useless blob, making jokes to cover up the fact that I fucking hate myself, watching everyone else be happy. How long can I keep this up before I just top myself? For real this time?_**

Finn reaches out his hand instinctively, and puts it on Rae’s shoulder. She looks over at his hand like it’s an alien.  ** _Why … why is he touching me? This is a dream, right?_**  She squeezes her eyes shut tightly for a second, and when she opens them, seems stunned to see Finn still standing there. 

She continues to look at him questioningly, but doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t think anything, either, stunned into silence on all fronts. 

“I–I just wanted to say,” he starts, not sure how he’ll finish. “I just wanted to say, that I’m here–around–if ya ever want to talk. About anythin’.”

Rae looks down at her Converse.  ** _Well, this is unexpected. But, I’ve heard it before. People always say that they’re around to talk, until you actually try and tell them the truth, the hard truth. I tried to tell Chloe, and she ran off to see Steven. I can’t tell anyone anything. Ever. Well, except for Kester._**

“Thanks, Finn, but I’m fine. I appreciate your concern, though.” She turns back and takes a few steps when she hears Finn say, “I really do mean it, whatever you might think.”

When she’s facing him again, her eyes are narrowed. “What do you know about what I think?” she asks warily.

“I–more than you, um, might think.” It’s Finn’s turn to look at his shoes. “I-it just seemed like ya were upset, or sad, and … I hate to see ya like that.” He looks back up through his lashes and smiles. “Sometimes … I almost feel like I can tell what yer thinkin’. But I bet ya think that’s mad.”

Rae slowly shakes her head. “No, actually. I know somethin’ about madness. That’s … more odd, than mad.”  ** _Can you hear me, Finn? Can you actually hear me?_**  Her eyes search his, looking for a sign. He nods. “Yes, I can.”

Rae sharply inhales and looks around wildly.  ** _Noooo, fuck, no. God, why? This is a nightmare. I need to get out of here._**  She leans forward, as if about to start running, when Finn’s hand on her shoulder stays her again. 

“Rae. Rae?” Finn tries to get her to look at him. “Rae! It’s okay! I’m your friend; I care about ya. I wanna help ya if I can. Please let me try!” His hand slides down the length of her arm and grasps her hand. “Please. Talk ta me.”

**_If you can hear my thoughts then why do I need to talk?_**  Rae doesn’t lift her head to look at him, but doesn’t try to run away, either. 

“I s'pose ya don’t. I just–It’s easier for me if ya do. And, it’s easier if ya look at me.” Finn reaches his left hand up, and brushes a lock of her hair behind her ear before gently crooking his forefinger under her chin, trying to guide her to face him.

**_Breathe, Rae, breathe. Maybe this is all a dream, and I just need to tough it out a little longer before I wake up._**  She turns her head a little reluctantly to face Finn. “How much have ya … heard?”

Finn shrugs. “I dunno. It started a coupla days ago, at the pub. It was, like, tunin’ into a radio station. Or somethin’. I can only hear ya when we’re close, though. Beyond a few feet, and it turns back to static. Well, and Finn FM. I do think sometimes, ya know." 

Rae finds herself smirking at him, despite wanting to throw things at him and then herself off a cliff. "Ya didn’t answer my question. How much?”

Finn closes his eyes for a moment, before looking straight into Rae’s. “Well, I’ve … heard … that ya like me.”

Rae’s breath catches in her throat.  ** _Well, that’s it. I have to move to the moon. Or the Outer Hebrides at least._**

“Which was a relief ta hear,” Finn quickly continues. “Because I’ve liked you for ages.”

**_Definitely a dream_** , Rae thinks. She closes her eyes tight now.  ** _This cannot cannot_ cannot  _be real._ OW.**

Her eyes open in indignation. “Did you just pinch my arm?”

Finn gestured in protest. “I had to do somethin’! Your not dreamin’, Rae. I thought I was dreamin’ the other day when I got a window into your head. And I couldn’t believe ya liked me at first, either. Yer always so off wi’ me, I thought I must be imaginin’ things.”

“I don’t mean to be off with ya! I just–it’s how I cope. Defense mechanism, Kester says." 

"That’s another thing, who’s this Kester guy?” Finn asks belligerently. 

“He’s my therapist.” Rae says quietly.

“Oh.” Finn swallowed the tiny bit of resentment he’d built up for this other boy he’d imagined. “Well, good.”

**_Good? What’s good about having a therapist? It means I’m a certifiable nutcase._ **

“It’s good because it means you’re gettin’ help, Rae,” Finn answers the voice in her head.

Rae looks down, her eyes filling with tears, threatening to spill at any second.  ** _I’m too much work. I might be getting better, but I’m a long way from normal, and I might never get there. I’m not worth it, Finn. You deserve someone who’s not broken; someone who’s beautiful. I’ll never be beautiful and I’ll never_ not _be broken._**  The dam breaks; the tears fall, and before she knows what’s happening, Finn is kissing her. His hand, no longer holding hers, reaches around her to meet his other hand, holding her close as his lips press insistently on hers. After a moment, they break apart. Rae, breathing heavily, asks Finn, “Wh-why did ya kiss me?”

“Because I wanted to. And because it seemed like the only way I could get you to shut up for a minute and listen to me. I don’t think you’re broken at all, Rae. Bruised, maybe. Beaten down. But not broken. And don’t try to tell me you’re not beautiful. You don’t see what I see. Okay?” He looks into her eyes, leans in close, and listens for further protests, but hears none. “Rae?” he whispers. “What are ya thinking’ about?" 

Rae runs a finger under her eye, feeling the slickness of her tears. "Ya mean ya don’t know?" 

Finn concentrates as hard as he can, but he can’t hear anything other than the breeze in the trees and his heart pounding. "No!” he exclaims with excitement. “I really don’t!”

Rae chuckles. “I guess that kiss knocked some sense into ya,” she says, grinning. 

“Thank fuck for that!” Finn whoops, and leans in to kiss Rae again. This time, she’s not so surprised, and when he feels her kissing him back, with passion, his hands reach up to hold either side of her face. 

When they break apart, Rae takes a deep breath. “I’m still figurin’ a lot of things out, Finn. I’m a mess, and I might always be a mess.”

“You’re not talkin’ me out o’ this, Rae. I’ve heard some of the things you think, and some of them did scare me. But they didn’t scare me off. I’m not goin’ anywhere.” He grabs her hand and asks, “Now, are we goin’ on this walk together, or what?”

Rae shakes her head, smiling. “What do you think?”


End file.
